Since leaving the church in 2011, and fully accepting my Agnosticism in 2015 (give or take), I’ve left Christianity. Yet even while being out I find I still go on what I call “Christianity kicks”. I start seeking it out again looking for anything redeemable. Searching to see if perhaps I missed a key point. Oh lets just say it; I’m looking for acceptance from a deity, if one exists, who has spent my entire lifetime ignoring me. Having celebrated Easter yesterday (ham – yes, church – no), I suppose all the “He is Risen!” posts trigger my indoctrination to kick into high gear for a bit.
Now when I say I get on a kick, I do not mean reading the bible. I’m not sure I own one anymore. No, I read stories and experiences in hopes that maybe Jesus simply hasn’t gotten around to me yet, and in these people’s journeys I might find something new. There are many Christian blogs around where people delve into some deep and heartbreaking shit. There are people expressing doubt and searching. There are some that walk dangerously close to the edge of not believing.
So close. Eight, nine, ten paragraphs worthy of Job screaming out to the heavens. “Why have you forsaken me?” “Where are you?” “Help!” They justifiably sob about loss and hopelessness. They swear, fight and flip off the universe.
Until the last paragraph.
In that last paragraph everything gets quickly wrapped up in a sparkling Jesus bow. I wish I could say they give enough of their story that you are able to understand what occurred that their God suddenly made everything OK; or is about to make everything OK, as they pray, believe, have faith, lean in, etc… Nope. Pain, suffering, shit, torment, heartache….yeah, Jesus! I follow along hanging on their every word, believing I’ve found someone that gets it, yet the ending is always the same.
So was it that simple? God/Jesus made the wrongs right? The Holy Spirit wrapped its loving arms around them? Enough faith and belief reconciled the atrocities done to them? I do have many theories as to what occurs here and I won’t share them as they aren’t kind or helpful. And really, I’m not trying to take away people’s faith, even if I consider it an illusion. The truth is that last paragraph feels like an emotional slap. “Works for me and it sucks to be you!”
So what’s my last paragraph? My answer to just about everything: I don’t know. Head in my hands, a deep sigh and back to it.